


Love Yourself

by prettypurpleflower



Category: Glee
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-15
Updated: 2015-02-23
Packaged: 2018-03-07 15:09:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 13,193
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3176614
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/prettypurpleflower/pseuds/prettypurpleflower
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kurt is struggeling after his break up and he doesn’t know how to deal with any of it anymore. Until he meets Sebastian again.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Kurt couldn’t believe it. The guy had just up and left. Because Kurt ‘wasn’t over his last relationship’.

He swallowed hard and looked at the next table. The two men were deeply concentrated, staring into each other’s eyes and whispering softly.

_What the heck?_

This was speed dating. People weren’t supposed to look like they were so in love they might get married on the spot. This was supposed to be… fun and non-binding. Grinding his teeth, Kurt got up and walked to the exit as well. No reason to stay longer and listen to more five minute introductions of people he never wanted to see under any circumstances again. He went through the door and promptly walked right into a passerby. Suppressing the urge to bite the person’s head off - oh, how being a New Yorker was becoming more and more second nature - Kurt only mumbled a low ‘sorry’ without looking up and tried to get past the man.

'Hummel?' Kurt froze. That was the voice from hell. The voice that had filled his nightmares for weeks during Senior Year. Slowly he turned, looking very much like the deer caught in bright lights.

'Sebastian Smythe.' And he looked just the way he had in high school. Still tall and slim and a beaming smirk and… had his shoulders gotten broader? Kurt frowned. That wasn't fair.

'Wow, what a coincidence. Millions of people in this city and we still meet. How are you?'

_I’m going to be sick._

'Fine. Just… fine.'

'Me, too. That is one of my favorite cafes, by the way. They have bagels to die for.'

_Then why haven’t you chocked on one yet?_

'It's such a shame that they waste their Wednesdays with offering speed dating. I mean, good luck for those people, they'll need it. But do they have to do that here? Once I dared to venture inside on a Wednesday and I swear they were so desperate, they looked at me as if I they wanted to kidnap me,' Sebastian laughed. It was a clear laugh, despite what he was laughing about it didn't sound condescending. Kurt hated it. If he stopped to think about it for a second, on this day Kurt actually hated everything. From the speed dating, over the blue sky, to the contagious laugh of Sebastian Smythe. Who was still talking.

_Wow, he sure likes to hear himself talk._ Kurt hadn’t reacted much at all, but it hadn’t deterred Sebastian even a bit yet.

Suddenly Sebastian paused. His gaze hanging on the café window, then it slid over to Kurt, from his face to his chest and back to his face. That was the moment it clicked in Kurt’s head.

_I forgot the name tag._

'It’s Wednesday. You were speed dating.' The expression on Sebastian's face turned horrified.

'I am so, so sorry. I swear I wasn't trying to make fun of you.'

‘You’re being nice,’ Kurt whispered in appalled disbelief. It didn’t seem honest coming from Sebastian.

‘Really, I’m sorry. I’m sure speed dating totally works for some people. Maybe you’re one of the lucky ones. It does sound like fun if I think about it.’

‘Do you even know what I’ve dealt with in there? An accountant who did the stereotype of the boring accountant more than proud. Then there was one guy whose eyes constantly looked into different directions. I know that’s not his fault, but it did freak me out. Especially because one of his eyes was directed at me, while the other kept following the waiter. And you know what was wrong with the only even remotely attractive guy? He thought he was psychic. Psychic, Smythe.’

‘Oh, well. I told you speed dating is for weirdoes.’

‘You didn’t tell me _before_ I decided to do it.’

‘Well, uh, obviously not. But I’m sure one of your friends…’ Sebastian started but trailed off when he noticed Kurt’s expression.

Kurt glared at Sebastian so hard, Sebastian almost expected to drop dead any second.

‘Okay, bad topic. Did the psychic at least see anything funny in his glass ball?’ Sebastian grinned, obviously trying to lighten the mood.

‘He ‘saw’ that I’m not over my ex-boyfriend. Hilarious, isn’t it?’ Kurt snapped.

Sebastian started biting his lips, clearly insecure about something.

‘I’m sorry. That probably sucked.’

Kurt groaned. ‘Why are you being so nice? I just keep yelling at you. When did you stop fighting back? Oh my god, I’m practically venting to a stranger. I mean, not a real stranger, but… I don’t even like you. The people in Ohio were right, New York made me insane.’

‘When you start agreeing with anyone who prefers Ohio to New York, you need to take a deep breath and reevaluate your choices.’

‘Did the city do this to you as well? Has it turned you nice?’

‘Uh, no? I told you I wanted to turn over a new leaf in high school and I tried really hard to be nicer. I even helped at your-‘ Sebastian stopped. ‘At the, you know, proposal.’

Pain shot through Kurt’s chest like a dagger, but he didn’t react. Instead he crossed his arms and stared at Sebastian critically.

‘You can’t have changed that fast.’

‘Kurt… It’s been more than two and a half years since I apologized to you guys. I’d say that’s a lot of time to get into new habits.’

_Two and a half years? Since high school?_

Kurt didn’t understand why he was so confused by this. True, he hadn’t expected Sebastian to actually change. But lately there wasn’t much left he could comprehend.

‘I don’t need to deal with you. I don’t want to deal with you. I don’t want to deal with any of this.’

‘You sound awful.’

‘Maybe you were right and my life is destined to be awful. Do you want me to message you when I quit school and wear an apron again? Goodbye, Smythe.’ He turned around, fully intent on walking away. There was a crumbling sound behind him, then Sebastian called him back. Kurt didn’t even know why he stopped at all.

‘Wait. Take my phone number. I know I’m not your favorite person, but next time you think about doing something stupid like speed dating, just call me and I’ll talk you out of it. Or, you know, if you simply want to vent. It’s better than nothing, I guess.’ Sebastian took his hand, put the note on it and forced Kurt’s fingers to close around it. Balling it up in his fist, Kurt walked away.

‘Still not dealing with you.’

Deep down Kurt wondered why not even fighting with Sebastian made him feel like himself anymore. But he was too tired to think about it.

~

For some time, Kurt forgot he even had that number. Since he never planned on actually using it, he put it in the box in the living room where he stored everything he didn’t know what else to do with. He could easily have thrown it away, but something held him back. It wasn’t a god or fate or anything. More than anything it was Kurt’s vindictive streak, which he still denied he even possessed. So many great, _terrible_ things could be done with phone numbers. Kurt thought about using it to sign up for some telephone surveys, getting Sebastian some subscriptions for annoying ringtones or simply writing it on the wall of a bathroom stall in the trashiest gay bar he could find. But so far Kurt hadn’t manage to muster up the motivation to do anything with it. Some part of him knew it was because he didn’t hate Sebastian anymore, couldn’t hate him anymore after how nice he had been to Kurt when Kurt had actually been at his most vulnerable.

And so the note was idly lying in the box of forgotten things.

The first time Kurt actually remembered that it was there at all was a few weeks later, while he was getting ready for a blind date.

Sebastian had said to call him if he was planning on doing something stupid. But he wasn’t doing something stupid, was he?

A blind date was perfectly reasonable. Kurt Hummel was getting better and it came all down to his own willpower.

And it wasn’t like it was the creepy kind of blind date. He had been chatting with Josh for a bit over a week, he had seen several photos and had even talked to him briefly on the phone to confirm they were both actual human beings. Only briefly because they had agreed to have their first real, offline conversation face to face. Even with all the internet obsession of his generation, Kurt prided himself in being a traditional romantic like that.

_This is it. No more pining, I’m definitely moving on. This is going to be great._

One last look into the mirror, confirming that he looked as hot as possible for him, and then Kurt left for his date.

~

This was a disaster.

He didn’t want to be alone right now. To his utter dismay he realized that it was his only option, though. Santana was gone and completely unavoidable if anyone called her, as were Brittany and Mercedes. Rachel had gone into hiding. Artie hadn’t really talked to him since before the break up because he had been too busy and Kurt somehow didn’t feel comfortable to come running now. Even Elliott had left for one of his yoga holidays again.

Kurt started pacing through the living room, tears still streaming uncontrollably down his face.

_What am I doing? I can’t… I need to…_

Taking a shaky breath, he came to a halt as his gaze lingered on the box of forgotten things. Sebastian Smythe.

_‘Call me, even if you just want to vent.’_

His feet carried him to the shelf as if he was on autopilot. He opened the box and right on top of the pile was the small slip of paper with Sebastian’s phone number. Mocking him.

_This is a stupid idea. Don’t do it, Kurt._

He got his phone out and dialed the number before he could talk himself out of it.

_I’ll just hang up again. If he doesn’t answer after three rings I’ll just-_

‘Sebastian Smythe, at your service. And even wearing pants for once,’ Sebastian laughed and Kurt could clearly picture the smirk on his face.

‘Sebastian? Here’s Kurt. Can I talk to you?’  
‘You’re already talking to me, tiger.’ Kurt tried to laugh but it turned into a miserable sob.

‘Are you crying?’

‘I’m messed up. I’m so messed up.’

‘Care to tell the story from the start? Or do you just want vent? Told you can do that if you want,’ Sebastian said and it didn’t sound mocking at all. Kurt would’ve almost said he sounded as if he cared a tiny bit. However, it all didn’t really matter. He just needed to talk to someone. Now.

‘I went out on a date.’

‘Was he so bad in bed you started crying? Because that doesn’t mean you’re messed up. Happens to the best of us, it’s not your fault when guys are so bad that you have to chase them out of their own room with a pillow and then you escape through the window.’ Sebastian’s voice drifted off and for a second he was quiet, as if he hadn’t realized what he was saying or who he was saying it to. Kurt frowned, unsure if that was truly a story he ever wanted to know more about. He shook his head to clear his thoughts.

‘I was waiting for the guy and…’

‘He stood you up, but then one of your old one-night stands appeared with his whole family and his sister recognized you and screamed through the whole restaurant that you’re the asshole that ruined her favorite sheets with her brother when she left the room for ten minutes?’ Kurt drew in a deep breath, gaping. Did things like this happen to Sebastian all the time?

‘Uhm…’

‘Oh, right. Tell your story. He was waiting and then?’

‘He was late-,’ Kurt paused to swallow drily, this time, however, the line stayed quiet.

‘I remembered that Blaine was always late to our dates. He… he was actually late the day I… when I ended it. So I kept thinking about that last date and I saw his face right in front of me. How he kept crying and begged me to not do this. Do you know what he said to me? He said he’ll never forgive me for this.’ Kurt stopped talking, a fresh wave of sobs fighting their way up his throat.

‘I started crying in the middle of the restaurant and then Josh turned up and he looked so good, but I just said sorry and left. I left crying, Sebastian.’

‘Let me guess, you didn’t stop crying since then?’

‘I can’t stop. I don’t know why, I just can’t stop.’

They were both silent for a while, the only things audible Sebastian’s even breathing and Kurt’s faint sobs.

‘I don’t know what to say, Kurt. I don’t know how to help you. You’re clearly not doing very well. Don’t get me wrong, it’s understandable after everything that happened between you and Blaine. But maybe you should get some professional help. An outside opinion.’

‘Do you think I’m losing it?’ Kurt asked, his voice sounding every bit as exhausted as he felt. He didn’t think everyone seeing a therapist was crazy, but when it came to himself Kurt just didn’t know anymore what was normal and what wasn’t.

‘No, that’s got nothing to do with it. Sometimes we just can’t get through something alone. It’s okay to need help. You know, I actually saw a therapist after… after David’s attempt. I felt guilty and I knew I needed to change, but I had no clue where to start. It helped a lot. I know this probably sounds like nothing to you, spoiled little rich kid has too-‘

Before Sebastian could talk himself into a rant, Kurt interrupted him. Absentmindedly he massaged his right temple with his free hand. Headaches caused by tears ranked among the worst headaches possible.

‘I’ve thought about it before. I just, I was always so convinced that I’m strong enough on my own.’

‘Then do it. It won’t hurt to try it.’

‘Maybe, we’ll see. Thanks for listening, Sebastian. Really. I don’t know what I expected, but it wasn’t this.’

‘Anytime, Kurt. I told you, you could call and I meant it.’

After Kurt hung up, he went to the bathroom to finally get some painkillers.

He was almost startled by his own reflection. It wasn’t surprising that he looked as if he had been crying for hours, his face puffy and full of read blotches. What he hadn’t noticed, however, was that the tears had stopped flowing and that he had pretty much completely calmed down sometime during his talk with Sebastian. With a sigh he got his phone out again and saved the last number dialed in his contacts. Maybe calling again wouldn’t be too bad.

~

Sebastian stared at Kurt as if he was completely out of his mind.

‘Sorry, care to repeat that? I think I need an ear specialist, I can’t have heard you right.’ Kurt rolled his eyes. Of course Sebastian had heard him the first time, he just wanted to be difficult. It was one of the few character traits Kurt hadn’t come to like or at least tolerate during the few times they met since his little break down. When Kurt needed him he was supportive, but that didn’t mean he couldn’t still be an asshole from time to time.

‘I’m going back to Lima and I’ll get Blaine back.’

‘Thank God you listened to my advice.’

‘What advice? About seeing a therapist? I did actually think about it before you said anything, that wasn’t just a phrase. But it did help a lot. He made me realize that I can’t lose Blaine. Blaine is the best thing that ever happened to me.’

‘Not that advice. The one that you should tell me when you plan on doing something stupid.’

‘I’m not doing anything stupid. I’m going to win back the love of my life. How can you even say that’s stupid?’

‘Okay, wait a minute here. I don’t know what that therapist said to make you think Blaine is the love of your life, but step back for a moment and try to think about this rationally. You get back there and then what? Fuck college?’

‘I am required to do work placement year, I’ll find something there. Maybe the community theater. I’m sure they’d love to get some professional help.’

‘So you don’t have anything in place yet here? You were really doing the last minute thing?’

‘Of course not. I wrote a script to do a ‘The Real Housewives’ play with the people at the nursing home.’

‘Letting down old people now. Kind of understandable. I mean, they’re old, they won’t be disappointed for long. And it’s such a great opportunity to work at… Where will you work again? Oh, wait, you’re giving up a standing work placement position in exchange for _nothing_.’ The words were dripping with unconcealed venom.

‘I’m going back for Blaine. The love of my life. I just needed a little push in the right direction, but now I’m on track. It’s not surprising you don’t get what that means.’

‘Do you remember what you told me about your relationship with Blaine and why you broke up with him? Twice? He cheated on you.’  
‘I forgave him for that.’

‘Sure you did, but do you honestly trust him?’ Kurt hesitated.

‘When I took him back, I chose to trust him and to me, that means something.’

‘Don’t be ridiculous, Kurt. You can’t choose to trust someone. Trust is earned. It’s a feeling, you either have a good or a bad feeling. You trust someone or you don’t. It’s like going around and _deciding_ to love someone just like that. You can pretend, but it doesn’t work.’

‘What do you even know about feelings?’

‘Maybe not much, but I know that if you tried living together twice and it didn’t work out, it won’t magically be paradise on the third try. Third time’s not always a charm. You fought over toothpaste, for god’s sake. Don’t you see that you’re turning this into an endless cycle? First you love him, then you realize it doesn’t work and you leave him, and then you get so lonely you _decide_ settling for Blaine is enough.’

‘You’re wrong. It’s not settling, it’s love. And we’ll work it out.’

‘What are you so afraid of that you keep clinging to a dead high school relationship?’ Sebastian shouted, throwing his hands up in anger. Fed up with Kurt’s stubbornness didn’t even begin to describe what he was feeling.

Kurt ‘s whole posture turned rigid. Instantly Sebastian knew that he had said the wrong thing, that he had gone too far. He thought about pedaling back, but he honestly didn’t want to. He was _right_.

His head held up high, Kurt looked Sebastian straight in the eyes and whispered coldly, ‘I can’t believe I was so desperate for a friend that I called _you_. You haven’t changed at all.’ He turned his head away, a gesture so dismissive that Sebastian couldn’t help but suck in a harsh breath.

‘Get out.’

It didn’t matter now.

‘At least I’ve moved on from high school, while you… you’re just a scared little boy.’ Sebastian looked at Kurt, waiting for a reaction. When it became clear that he wouldn’t get one, he shook his head and left.

Kurt crumbled on his chair. This wasn’t supposed to happen. Sebastian was supposed to be enthusiastic and tell him to fight for Blaine. Sebastian was the one person Kurt thought would be on his side from now on.

He could feel it building up, the pressure behind his eyes, and it only made him angrier.

_These stupid tears need to stop! Please, just stop already.  
_

Anger, sadness, disappointment, despair. Kurt wasn’t even sure anymore what he was feeling first and foremost. All he wanted to do was sleep.


	2. Chapter 2

Kurt tapped his foot nervously on the floor, not breaking eye contact with Dr Barnes. She raised an eyebrow at him and blinked, signaling that she wouldn’t join a staring contest with him. Dr Hammond had been different. This time Kurt hadn’t looked for a therapist himself, instead he had sought out recommendations from various people and after last time, different didn’t appear to be too bad at all. Still, he expected a little more than only staring when he had just poured his heart out. Kurt couldn’t believe he had postponed his flight to Lima for this.

‘What do you plan on doing next?’ Dr Barnes finally spoke up.

‘I’m not sure. I thought about going back to Lima to get Blaine back.’

‘Why?’

‘What do you mean, why?’

‘It’s a simple question, Kurt. There’s no right or wrong answer. Just go ahead and explain your thought process, please.’ She smiled gently at him.

‘Well, uh, I… He’s the love of my life. I can’t just let him go. Don’t you think I’ll regret it forever if I don’t try to get him back?’

‘I can’t really answer that question for you. What I can do is give a little advice. Ready?’ She leaned forward a bit, as if she was about to tell him a secret. Kurt half shrugged, half nodded. Yes, Dr Hammond had asked less questions and talked more himself. Kurt wasn’t sure yet if he felt too comfortable to talk so much about his thoughts and feelings, but something about Dr Barnes’ personality made him relax. Her cozy office might have helped a bit as well.

‘Nothing is worth it to regret it your whole life, Kurt. We should try to never linger too long on negative feelings. Imagine you never let any of your regrets go, they’ll be like little drops of rain in a bucket. The bucket can hold one drop, two drops, even twenty drops. But if it never gets emptied, it will inevitably spill over. Every negative feeling, no matter how small, is a drop of rain.’

‘But I _have_ been trying to forget my negative feelings?’ Kurt frowned as she shook her head.

‘Don’t forget them, Kurt. Accept the bad things as well as the good things. Then you’ll be able to let them go and move on.’ Insecurely Kurt bit his lip.

‘The last therapist I’ve seen told me that Blaine is the best thing that has ever happened to me.’

‘And do you agree?’

‘I… I’m not sure. Sometimes, yes. Other times…’ He lowered his gaze, expecting her to say something. But Dr Barnes stayed silent, patiently waiting for him to finish his sentence.

Kurt continued in a whisper. ‘Sometimes I wish I had never met him.’

‘Tell me about Blaine. What do you like about him?’

‘He’s very passionate. Especially about music. When we met, he was very understanding and supportive. You know, I came to talk to him because I got bullied and he got how I felt because he’s been bullied as well.’

‘What else?’

‘He is nice. Everyone who meets him instantly likes him.’  
‘That’s being charming and popular, not nice.’

‘Uh, well… I guess so.’

‘I’m sorry I interrupted you, go on,’ she said with an encouraging nod. Still Kurt hesitated before he said the next thing.

‘He loves me.’

‘You like that Blaine loves you?’ Kurt blushed. That didn’t sound quite as it had in his mind.

‘He’s the only boy who ever has, so I do think that’s positive. And he’s loved me for a long time, even though I looked a lot worse when we met. I was a lot smaller and I had these huge pear hips.’ He crossed his arms in front of his chest.

‘Have you ever been in other relationships?’

‘Actually, yeah. One. His name was Adam.’

‘And you think Adam didn’t love you?’

‘We didn’t stay together very long. I wasn’t really over Blaine and it was all very difficult and…’ Kurt trailed off. He didn’t need to defend his decision. It wasn’t why he was there and rehashing it wouldn’t change anything now.

‘But you’ve been intimate with Adam? Remember, it’s okay if you don’t want to answer one of my questions.’ Kurt took a deep breath, willing his cheeks to not turn red again. Even though he wasn’t as shy anymore as he had been in high school, talking about this with a stranger was still awkward for him.

‘Yeah.’

‘Anyone else? Outside of a relationship?’ This time Kurt couldn’t keep the blush down. For a moment he thought about not answering the question.

‘I tried once. I worked as a Christmas elf in a mall and the guy replacing Santa, because the first Santa was drunk and creepy, the guy was really hot. His name was Cody. At least that’s what he told me. We went to my apartment, he got me drunk and talked me into role-playing with him. But it turned out he just wanted to tie me up so he could rob me. After that I didn’t really want to try again.’

‘Quite a life you’re living.’ Kurt smiled but it didn’t quite reach his eyes.

_What an understatement._

‘Let’s continue. What made you break up with Blaine? What do you dislike about him?’

To his embarrassment the answers came a lot faster to him than the last few ones.

‘The first time I broke up with him because he cheated on me, for which I forgave him. Sometimes he downplays my problems a bit, but maybe they don’t seem very significant for him. I have been told before that I’m a little self-centered. Before we first… before we first had sex he once got kind of grabby and he didn’t really understand it when I said no. But it was actually a really long time ago and he was drunk. When we lived together alone, we fought a lot about minor things. Once it was because I used a towel when there was still toothpaste on my face. But I think I have been busy a lot and sometimes I didn’t try very hard to make living with me easier for him. And he likes sex. A lot. Which isn’t bad, really. I just feel as if he sometimes uses it to punish me. When he refuses to touch me but watches porn instead, you know. But I do know I’ve got some intimacy issues, so maybe I’m overreacting.’

‘Is that so? What makes you think you have intimacy issues?’

_For starters, that’s what my last therapist told me._

Kurt considered saying it aloud, but he didn’t want to. It was bad enough for him that he had had enough therapists to compare them.

_At least this one hasn’t made me cry yet._

‘I’ve started thinking about sex really late, I guess. I wasn’t really comfortable with even thinking about it until I was around seventeen. I mean, I did like it when it happened eventually. But I still feel as if it doesn’t come to me as easy as it comes to all the other guys I know. I’m just not as comfortable with it.’

Dr Barnes studied him for a moment without responding. If he was honest, it was a bit unnerving to Kurt. Did his explanation prove that he was completely abnormal?

‘Do you not think I’ve got intimacy issues?’

‘Actually, as far as I can tell right now I do think you have certain intimacy issues. I wouldn’t say anything is wrong with you, though, as you seem to think. It’s not unheard of for boys to develop their sex drive rather late in puberty, although you are part of a minority here. Your intimacy issue, as you call it, is about something else. Every single one of your relationships that involved sexuality on some level turned out to have negative consequences for you sooner or later. You don’t associate sex with other people as something positive. I think a solution, if you want to call it that, would be trust. If you manage to build up enough trust in yourself, in your partner and in your relationship, you’ll find yourself becoming more comfortable with sex. Although there wouldn’t be anything wrong with you if you never wanted to have sex again, either. You just have to find the right way for yourself.’

‘Oh…’ He was unavoidably and unpleasantly reminded of Sebastian. Sebastian, who had said he had trust issues. Sebastian, who had asked what he was so afraid of. Kurt despised the guilt spreading inside of him at the thought of how he had treated the one person that had spoken honestly with him. Sebastian, who had tried very hard to help Kurt when no one else had.

‘Let’s come back to my last question. Did you notice anything peculiar about your answers? Did anything stand out to you?’

‘No? Not really, I guess. I’ve had more to say about that one than the one before that?’

‘That’s true, but entirely okay. It’s how you feel and your feelings are valid exactly like that. I meant that you pretty much lead a discussion all on your own. For every negative fact about Blaine you had a counterargument. And most of them came back to you. Why do you think that is?’

Kurt thought about it for a few seconds. There were some explanations coming to mind that didn’t feel right to him. As if they only touched the surface of the problem. In the end it all came down to one thing.

‘I blame myself. I blame myself for a lot of things, actually. I keep thinking about a lot of moments. The beginning of our relationship, fights we had in high school, the time before he cheated… And I can’t help but think, what if I had done it differently? What if I had been more understanding? What if I had been more accommodating?’

‘Very good, Kurt. You’re not in denial, that is great. You see a lot of things for what they are and that will help you a lot on your way.’ She smiled at him softly. Kurt let his shoulders sag. Talking about it, saying it out loud, was more freeing than he had expected.

‘And do you see how we have come full circle? It’s the raindrops again. This blame has been festering and growing for a long time and it keeps dragging you down. One of the most important things for you is to learn how to let feelings go and move on.’

She threw a glance at her watch and sighed.

‘Unfortunately our time is up, but it has been _very_ interesting to talk to you. I think if you decide to come back, we could really work on some things and help you back to your feet. Now, I usually like to end sessions on a positive note. So what I want to give you to take along is that you’re great the way you are. A lot of people often try to find out what is normal and they try to change themselves to fit that mold. Remember that more important than normalcy is that you are comfortable with yourself and your choices.’

~

_I am just  here to visit my dad and Carole. Nothing else._

No matter how much Kurt told himself that it’s the truth, he didn’t start to believe it. Talking to Dr Barnes had helped a lot, but he wasn’t ready to let go just yet. What if Blaine _was_ the love of his life? Kurt had to see him again. Surely that would tell him what was right, give him a sign what he should do.

Being back with his dad and Carole was nice. He knew they terribly missed him, even though they never said it. But no matter how hard he tried, Kurt didn’t enjoy his time with them as much as he wished for. His thoughts kept straying. How he had craved in high school to leave Lima behind forever. So many times he thought were the last time and every single time he had come crawling back again. All because of Blaine. Was it really worth it? Was he really worth it?

Kurt wanted so much to scream yes, to fight with everything he had for the best thing that ever happened to him. But lately he wasn’t so sure anymore. Sebastian’s words had planted a seed in his mind that had continued to grow. Then Dr Barnes had come and made sure there was enough sun and water for it. It went completely against everything everyone besides the two of them had told him, but their words were still the ones that stuck.

It started with Burt’s well-meant questions. ‘How are things going? Have you talked to Blaine lately?’

Then there was Rachel the next morning. Somehow she thought that Kurt and Blaine getting back together tied right in with Kurt staying in Lima to help her coach the Glee club.   
‘It’s such a big opportunity for you, Kurt. You’d be able to help me bring the Glee club back to its former glory. Have you seen what Sue has done at this school? It’s outrageous. And of course, you’ll be able to spend more time with Blaine. I’m sure he’ll forgive you eventually.’ It wasn’t even a question for her. Nothing ever was.

Not to even speak of the fact that he kept shooting glances at his phone, hoping he had a text or missed call from Sebastian. But everything was silent from that end. Kurt only hoped he hadn’t heard from Sebastian for the last time. He didn’t want to leave things the way they were, but his pride still prevented him from taking the first step.

So Kurt couldn’t help but be glad when he finally met Blaine at Scandals the same evening. And there Blaine was, sitting right in front of him, and his heart still made that little jump. That was it, the sign he’d been waiting for. Now he knew which road to take.

‘Hi, Kurt.’ Blaine moved forward to embrace him. Things hadn’t changed at all and at the same time the world had changed. It was muscle memory more than anything. However, it didn’t quite feel the same anymore. Nonetheless, Kurt pushed the thoughts away, intent on going through with his plan.

‘Hey,’ Kurt breathed into the hug. Then they both leaned back and got as comfortable as was possible on the chairs Scandals offered.

He wanted to blurt it out, tell Blaine on the spot that he wanted him back. But Blaine was faster.

‘I’m so happy you’re here. I actually need to talk to you.’

_Me too, Blaine. We’re finally on the same page again._

‘I’m seeing someone.’ It felt as if all air had been knocked out of Kurt. This wasn’t happening. Blaine had just… moved on?

‘You know him.’

_Don’t say Sebastian Smythe._

It was the first thing crossing Kurt’s mind, although he was more than aware that it didn’t make sense. Between the two of them, he was the last one who had seen Sebastian. Right? Sebastian had been awfully against this happy love story Kurt had planned. Had it been because he still wanted Blaine? Because he was already with Blaine and tried to keep Kurt away?

Kurt shook his head slightly. There was nothing indicating that Sebastian had only been playing a game with him and frankly, by now Kurt simply trusted him more than to just wildly accuse him. Sebastian had changed, even if Kurt had denied it to his face.

‘Who?’

‘Dave Karofsky.’

‘You… and Karofsky?’ Blaine pursed his lips almost unnoticeably, looking at Kurt disapprovingly. Whatever it was that annoyed Blaine – Kurt guessed it was his use of Dave’s last name – Blaine didn’t call him out on it.

‘I just… I need a moment.’

‘Of course. This must come as such a surprise to you. I didn’t expect it either, Kurt. After everything that happened between us and what happened to me after I left NYADA, I moved back in with my parents. To find myself, you know? So, one day I went here and he was here, too. Actually dancing some funny country dance with the older bears. And we started talking and it all went from there,’ Blaine explained, nodding. As if any of this made sense. There wasn’t much emotion in Blaine’s voice, but then there rarely was when he wasn’t angry.

_What did you two even have to talk about?_

‘That is a lot to take in. You have certainly been busy, haven’t you?’ Blaine looked away.

‘I guess so. Look, Kurt, I just wanted you to find out from me. Not from Rachel or anyone.’

‘Goal achieved, yay.’ Kurt grinned weakly.

‘What did you want to talk about? I just came out with this, didn’t even wait until you told me why you asked me here.’

‘Just catching up.’ Blaine didn’t need to be told twice and launched right into a lengthy story of how Dalton had begged him to lend them a helping hand. Or something like that, Kurt wasn’t sure.

Honestly, he didn’t listen. He tried to, he even tried to care. But whenever he so much as glanced at Blaine now, he couldn’t help but feel as if Dave’s shadow was suddenly hanging over them.

It didn’t take long until Kurt couldn’t take it any longer and excused himself. Hopefully a good night’s sleep would cut this numbness from him.

~

_More sheet music from the late nineties. Do I look like I’m your running boy, Rachel? Nobody can tell me McKinley doesn’t have enough nineties sheet music. And who sorts sheet music by periods anyway? They obviously should be sorted by-_

‘Hi, Kurt.’

_No, no, no. Please no._

‘Blaine and Dave, _hey_ ,’ Kurt drawled, putting on a plastic smile. Before he could stop it, Kurt felt himself engulfed in a hug by the bear of a man Dave had turned into. However, Dave promptly released him, just to step back and put an arm over Blaine’s shoulder in a relaxed manner.

‘It is so great to see you! We haven’t seen each other since… wow, since we both went off to college. Can you believe it?’

‘Barely.’

‘Oh my god, was that a pun?’ Dave laughed, deep and warm. Next to him Blaine pressed himself into Dave’s side, seeming slightly embarrassed whenever his eyes landed on Kurt, but his whole demeanor changed into affectionate when they met Dave. Kurt chuckled awkwardly.

_I’m in a parallel universe. This can’t be real._

‘I really hope this isn’t too weird for you. We’d love it if you wanted to hang out with us sometime. All three of us together. Wouldn’t that be great?’ Dave beamed at him.

_When does sick turn into too sick? I could swear I’m very close to the limit._

‘Totally.’

‘So, what are you doing here? Maybe we can help. I mean, we’re already here anyway. Right, Boo-Boo?’ The grin directed at Blaine was teasing and Blaine blushed in return, as if they were sharing a joke Kurt didn’t understand.

_He didn’t just call him that._

‘Just, you know, searching for sheet music for Rachel. Since she started coaching the Glee club, she suddenly found McKinley’s collection lacking.’ He shrugged.

_Don’t do it. You’ll regret it. Just be quiet._

‘And what are you two doing here?’ The words slipped out of his mouth before he could stop them. It was obvious that he tried to keep it down, but Dave’s whole face lit up.

‘It wasn’t even planned, we were on our way to the hardware store actually. But you know how our Blaine is, couldn’t walk by the music store if he tried.’

‘That’s not true! I could have if you just said no when I asked.’

‘Of course you could have, love.’

Kurt cleared his throat. He didn’t want to hear any of this. Especially nothing about how _our Blaine_ was.

‘Hardware store? Are you building something?’

_Maybe something I can use to scratch my eyes out?_

Blaine looked at him with big, innocent eyes, an expression that Kurt didn’t believe for a second.

‘Kurt… We’re moving in together.’ As if that wasn’t bad enough, Dave bent down and pressed a soft kiss on Blaine’s cheek. They seemed… happy. And whatever scheming Kurt had seen in Blaine’s eyes, it melted away with the kiss.

‘Congratulations.’ His own voice sounded tinny and far away to Kurt.

He opened his mouth to say something else, but in the end he didn’t hear himself say anything. Maybe nothing came out, maybe he said that he had to leave. Or maybe it was something along the lines of ‘Then I’d say don’t use a towel when there’s still toothpaste on your face’.

The only thing Kurt could hear as he left was a steady rushing in his ears.

Another thing he couldn’t remember was how he got to his car. Judging from the time he must have been running, although in that moment it didn’t make a difference to him. They were moving in together. It was over.

_No, it was over long before that. I just refused to believe it. Sebastian was right and I didn’t listen._

The second Kurt parked the car, he ran into the house and up to his old room. Tears were prickling his eyes, but he didn’t care. All he wanted to do was leave. And call Sebastian, but that wasn’t an option right now. He had screwed that up for himself.

Hastily he pulled out his suitcase and started putting his clothes back in it. His feelings were boiling. A part of him wanted to grab the clothes - grab anything in near vicinity really - and just hurl them across the room with as much force as he could muster. But Kurt didn’t. His hands were shaking, his vision kept getting blurry before he blinked the tears away again.

‘Going somewhere, kiddo?’

‘I, uh, I got a call. The nursing home wants to move up my first day. There’s still paperwork I need to fill out for NYADA. It’s been really nice to see, but I didn’t really think this through. I’m so busy. And Rachel keeps trying to talk me into helping her with the Glee club as my work placement and you know her. If I don’t leave now she’ll succeed sooner or later.’ He chuckled weakly.

‘Do you want me to drive you to the airport?’

‘Oh, no, I’ve already organized something. But thanks anyway.’

‘You weren’t planning to disappear without saying goodbye, were you?’

‘No, of course not. I’m simply in a rush. I still would’ve done that.’

‘Then don’t forget it before you leave. I get that it’s difficult, NYADA and everything, but remember that you’re always welcome here, okay?’ Not able to look into his dad’s eyes, Kurt only nodded.

‘Yes, I know.’

‘You know what? It’s our turn to come to New York. A little vacation wouldn’t be a bad idea, huh?’

Kurt could feel his heart swelling up in his chest. This were all the reasons why he missed his dad so much sometimes in one sentence.

‘I’d like that,’ he whispered, afraid what would happen if he spoke any louder.

When the door finally closed behind Burt, Kurt sighed in relief anyway.

Slowly he put the last of his shirts into the suitcase, silently thanking his dad for not calling him out on the lie.

It was final, this chapter of his life was closed.


	3. Chapter 3

‘ _I should’ve gave you flowers and held your hand. Should’ve gave you all my hours when I had the chance. Take you to every party cause all you wanted to do was dance. Now my baby is dancing_ -’

Suddenly Kurt heard someone coughing lowly and stopped singing abruptly. No one besides his dad had another set of keys and he was unquestionably in Lima. With a start Kurt lifted his head from the couch to have a look. For a second he got dizzy and everything swam before his eyes. But then his vision cleared and he saw the person standing in the doorway. Sebastian.

‘What are you doing here? How did you even get in?’ Kurt was more than glad that he didn’t slur the words. He hadn’t drunk that much, but sometimes his body’s reaction to alcohol was unpredictable. The night he got knocked out by a single cocktail was still clear in his mind. Well, not that _clear_.

He fumbled for the remote of the stereo and turned it off.

‘You sent me a text that sounded a lot like an apology. But I’m not really sure because there were a lot of random letters in between. So I decided to check up on you.’  
  


_Message? I sent a messa- Oh, that message_.

He let his head fall back onto the sofa and stared at the ceiling.

‘Could’ve called.’

‘I did. But it went to voicemail, and you wrote ‘goodbye’, so I thought…’

‘You thought I’d do something dumb.’ Kurt sniffed. Sebastian didn’t reply, he only shrugged and there was something so helpless about that little shrug that it painfully knocked the breath out of Kurt like a blow to his stomach. Sebastian had been worried enough by a text message to come looking for him.

‘For your information, I did do something stupid. It was so stupid of me to treat you like that. You hit a sore spot, but that doesn’t make it okay. I wrote ‘goodbye’ because I… I was convinced you wouldn’t want to be friends with me anymore anyway. Not after what I said to you.’

‘You were right back then. Sometimes I don’t feel like I changed at all.’

‘That’s nonsense, Sebastian. If you hadn’t changed, we would never have become anything even close to friends in the first place. Just in case you didn’t know, when we first met I sort of couldn’t stand you.’ Kurt smiled playfully at him. Sebastian returned the smile wryly, but didn’t respond. There was no need to argue about something that was undeniably a true fact.

‘So, why didn’t you answer the phone?’

‘I lost it.’

‘You lost your phone? In here?’

‘I was… gesturing. To the music, you know. And suddenly it wasn’t in my hand anymore. I know, it’s stupid.’

‘That doesn’t mean you’re stupid, that just means you’re drunk.’

‘Oh, I am. Stupid, I mean. Well, tipsy as well. Anyway. I went back to Lima. And I almost stayed.’

‘Indeed, that is stupid. As you know, since I have told you before.’ Sebastian smirked at Kurt’s miserable expression. He didn’t think Kurt deserved to be hurt like that, but at least Kurt seemed to have learned his lesson now. And how Sebastian _loved_ to be right.

‘What made you come back?’

‘I saw him. Blaine. And all my feelings just rushed back in. And I was this close to telling him everything, that I want him back, that I made a mistake.’

‘And then?’

‘He was faster. Told me he has a new boyfriend.’ Sebastian made a grimace.

‘Ouch.’

‘Oh, that’s not the end of the story. It gets better.’

‘You saw him and his new boyfriend is gorgeous and practically perfect?’ Kurt narrowed his eyes at Sebastian.  
  


_Is that a real question? Or one of his escapades?_

‘No. Well, he isn’t ugly, but that’s just not the point. I _know_ him. _You_ know him.’

‘Stop the suspense, just tell me.’

‘Dave Karofsky. Blaine Anderson is dating David Karofsky.’

‘No way, bear cub?’ Kurt groaned.

‘Don’t say that. You know what Dave calls him? Boo-Boo. I thought I’ll be sick when I heard that.’ Sebastian started laughing. A husky, low laugh that spoke loud and clear of his disbelief. To his complete surprise, a shiver ran down Kurt’s spine at the sound.  
  


_Stupid alcohol, messing with my head._

‘You know, I can kind of see it.’

‘How can you see anything there? It doesn’t make sense. They didn’t even like each other last time they met. And Dave… he’s nothing like me. How does that make sense?’

‘Guess that’s the point. He isn’t supposed to be anything like you, Kurt. Would you want to date someone right now who looks and acts exactly like Blaine?’ Kurt closed his eyes, trying to picture it.  
  


_Who would I date right now?_

The first person that came to mind was actually Sebastian. Kurt shook his head. How ridiculous, just because he was standing right there.  
  


_What sort of person would I date right now?_

As horrible as the speed dating had been, Rich had been kind of cute. At least if Kurt pretended he had never opened his mouth and said that he was a psychic. Then there was his short-lived attempt at something with Josh. And try as he might, he couldn’t shake off the image of Sebastian.  
  


_I don’t want to date Sebastian. He’s just being a good friend and I wouldn’t mind dating someone who shares some of his better qualities. That’s it._

However, Kurt could think around it all he wanted, the only thing the three of them had in common was that they were nothing like Blaine.

His eyes snapped open again, glaring half-heartedly at Sebastian.

‘Stop making sense. I don’t want you to make sense. I want to feel sad and feel as if I’m the only one in the world who’s right.’

‘You _want_ to feel bad?’ Sebastian looked at Kurt skeptically.

‘I just… I tried so hard to get over him and it didn’t work. I let this fraud of a therapist make me believe that he’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me. And when I was finally ready to get him back, I found out he didn’t have those problems at all. He simply moved on. He’s been dating Dave for months already. By the time he started dating seriously again, I didn’t even know how I got through most of my days. So yes, I want some time to tell myself that the world isn’t fair.’

‘You’re missing something essential for self-wallowing sessions, though,’ Sebastian said and leaned comfortably against the door frame.

‘I don’t want to watch movies about love. I considered it, but singing is better.’

‘I’m not talking about movies. I meant ice cream.’

‘Oh my god, ice cream! I do need ice cream. Strawberry Cheesecake Ice Cream. That’s the ultimate cure for everything,’ Kurt sighed longingly, making it hard for Sebastian to suppress his laughter.

‘Do you need some alone time to think about ice cream? I can leave, you know.’

‘Wait, how did you say again you got in here?’ Sebastian raised an eyebrow at him, amused at his friend’s alcohol-induced confusion.

‘You left the door open, Kurt. You’re like, super lucky that I came. Just imagine if robbers had seen first that your door’s wide open.’ Kurt rolled his eyes. He lived in New York. If anyone had ever considered breaking in, they wouldn’t have waited until he for once forgot to close the door. They would have found a way in faster than he could wave them hello. See Cody, the fake Santa.

‘My hero. Now, what about that ice cream? It’s in the freezer instead of my hands, while you’re just standing there. Not good, Sebastian.’

‘You’re sad and drunk. How can you still be so bossy?’

‘Go get the ice cream, Bastian. I need to wallow in my sadness. Maybe bring some more wine, too. I’m starting to feel really sober again.’ His hand searched the remote of the stereo for a moment and when he found it, the music began playing again. Kurt closed his eyes and started singing along loudly.

‘ _I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited but I couldn’t stay away, I couldn’t fight it. I had hoped you’d see my face and that you’d be reminded that for me, this isn’t over._ ’

With a smile Sebastian turned to get the ice cream from the kitchen. In time Kurt would be just fine again.

~

‘Is there anything you want to talk about today?’ Kurt lowered his gaze. She never grew tired of starting her sessions with this question, never changed tactics, even though he hadn’t touched a topic by himself yet. A part of him cursed her for it, a far bigger part was glad, though. For the first time he was ready to ask something, a question that had been burning in his mind for a while now.  
‘Is it true that men stay close by fighting?’ Dr Barnes rolled her pen between her fingers a few times, carefully choosing her answer.

‘Not as a matter of principle, no. There are a lot of reasons why people fight and not all of them are necessarily bad. I hope you can hear the big _but_ here. Sometimes it happens that they develop inside a relationship in a way where fighting is the only way to make themselves heard. Sometimes it’s a predisposition of anger issues. And of course, sometimes couples lose their connection, their foundation and they often try to keep the communication between them alive by fighting because there is nothing else to talk about anymore.’ She paused, but Kurt didn’t speak up. It was obvious that there was more to it.

‘There are two very important things to keep in mind about this, Kurt. The first one is that it’s not just men. Often women are automatically perceived as the victim because people tend to think of them as the weaker sex or as if they are just genetically a bit touchy and will harmlessly go off without a reason all the time. That’s not true. You can be in a negative relationship with a woman. And that brings us to the second point. A relationship that mainly consists of fighting is not healthy. It doesn’t matter how close you think you are to that person, it doesn’t matter if it’s friendship or romantic relationship. It’s not the sort of relationship you should hold on to.’

‘Can a relationship like that never be saved? How am I supposed to behave if I’m not ready to let the person go? I tried giving in and I tried fighting back, but I don’t feel like either brought me closer to the other person. Is something… is that my mistake?’

‘Kurt, the mistake lies in thinking either _could_ bring us closer to someone. Just generally giving in is giving your opponent – because in such a moment that’s what the other person is – the signal that starting a fight with you is a possibility to get their way. It’s an incentive to fight more. Fighting back on the other hand can be a way to goad each other, like a ping pong match that’s getting faster and faster until your reflexes take over and you stop thinking. Try to look at a fight as an outsider. Stay calm, but don’t let yourself be talked into anything you wouldn’t normally agree to do. Tell your partner that you would prefer a quiet and mature discussion without accusations. And if that’s not possible, remove yourself from the situation. Let them calm down, try to talk about it again. Don’t act like there never was a problem. Remember, it’ll pile up and the bucket will overflow. I know it’s difficult to accept at first, but if it keeps happening it’s better for both of you to end the relationship.’

Kurt looked down at his hands. How long and thin they were. They didn’t look like they belonged to a child anymore. When had that happened? Bigger than Blaine’s, but smaller than both Adam’s and Sebastian’s. And putting Sebastian on a list with those two wasn’t something Kurt was ready to deal with at all, so he looked back at Dr Barnes and began talking again.

‘It happened with Blaine a lot, you know. He was often starting fights, but someone told me he’s using it as a way to create intimacy. And it made so much sense because I already felt like I… like I wasn’t good in that department and I thought maybe that’s the reason.’ Dr Barnes nodded and wrote something on her notepad, not commenting on the fact that they had talked about that exact issue during several previous appointments.

‘What about Rachel? You’ve mentioned her a lot as well.’

‘She is… I used to say she’s my best friend, but now… I don’t know. She’s very difficult. Egocentric. She doesn’t like it when people are better than her or when they get things she’s convinced are rightfully hers. Sometimes that made her lash out.’

‘Was there a limit in your dedication to your friends? Did you ever say this far and no further?’

‘No, of course not. They were my friends, Blaine was my _boyfriend_. I did everything for them. I dropped whatever I was doing when they needed me.’

‘And what about them? Would you say it was a balanced give and take?’

Kurt frowned deeply, chewing on the inside of his cheek. It took almost a whole minute until he answered in a husky whisper.

‘I guess not.’

‘Why does that make you angry, Kurt?

‘Because they’ve acted like I don’t matter! I deserve to be happy as well!’ Kurt’s eyes went wide in surprise. The corners of Dr Barnes’ mouth turned up a tiny bit. She didn’t fully smile, but Kurt still felt as if she was pleased with his answer.

‘Weren’t you happy in your relationship with Blaine? What about your friendship with Rachel?’

‘I don’t know anymore. I thought I was but… When you spend time with them, you develop a bit of a one-track mind. It’s all about what they want and what I could do to make them happy. They just gave me a whole lot of empty promises.’

‘What do you want now that they’re not living with you anymore?’

‘I… I don’t know. Graduate? Get a role on Broadway?’

‘What about your small goals?’

‘What do you mean with small goals?’

‘What’s your goal for today? For tomorrow? What’s your wish for the week?’ Kurt blinked at her, not sure how to answer.

‘I’ve never thought about it like that.’ Dr Barnes nodded, as if she had expected a response like that. She waited a bit anyway to give Kurt some time to think about it.

‘Your life is about you, Kurt. It’s okay to be selfish sometimes and it’s okay to say no. If you constantly try to make everyone around you happy, the only person who ends up not happy will be you.’

‘I really want to be happy again.’

~

It was hard for Kurt. He didn’t even know why it was so hard. After all he had been the one to end things with Blaine. And he didn’t regret it anymore. Still, sometimes the feelings hit him out of the blue and from time to time he wished he didn’t have to learn to let go at all, although he didn’t want to think about any alternatives, either.

Nevertheless, the most important thing in his opinion was that he was getting better.

Getting into an organized routine again gave Kurt a sort of calmness he hadn’t expected. The largest part of his time was spent at the nursing home and there wasn’t a working day he left the building without the biggest smile on his face. It opened a whole new world for him, working with some of the kindest people he had met so far on something they were all passionate about made something bloom in Kurt.  
  


_I can’t believe I considered cancelling this for Glee. For Lima. Never again._

Smaller things that helped were a light work load at Vogue.com, including Isabelle’s open ear, and one or two extra classes at NYADA, which naturally reinforced his decision to stay in New York.  
Even Elliott and Dani had called, telling him that they missed him and wanted to end the hiatus of One Three Hill.

It felt like he was getting back on track, the track Kurt should have been on two years ago already.

A small nagging doubt remained that it was all too good to be true. Since when did things go so well for Kurt?  
Some nights those doubts kept him awake, endlessly searching for the catch that was sure to hide somewhere.

Surprisingly enough, Sebastian turned out to be a big help without even trying too hard. Kurt had almost convinced himself that Sebastian would lose interest in him after he stopped looking like some damsel in distress, that Sebastian didn’t really want a friendship. 

Apparently Kurt couldn’t have been more wrong. It was almost as if Sebastian became more interested in spending time with Kurt now that he was feeling better. He began texting, sometimes also calling, without being prompted and his supply of weird stories and extraordinary ideas seemed never-ending. Kurt couldn’t help but be carried along by Sebastian’s enthusiasm. There wasn’t one specific moment standing out for him. However, he knew exactly on which day he realized that Sebastian’s friendship was one of the greatest things ever happening to him. Ironically it was the day Sebastian asked him out, only two months after they had made up he got the ball rolling with one single question.

  
‘Wanna go have lunch with me tomorrow? My treat.’ A simple statement that made Kurt equally confused and excited. His heart did a tiny stumble, but at the same time an uncomfortable feeling settled in his stomach.

  
‘Are you asking me out on a date?’

  
‘Yeah.’ Kurt looked up at Sebastian, open smile and curious eyes and no visible nervousness. Usually all signs triggering the warning bells inside of him, but this time his instinct was telling Kurt that Sebastian was sincere.

  
‘Sebastian, I don’t think I’m ready for that.’

  
‘Okay,’ he said with an understanding nod, then cocked his head slightly. ‘Do you want to have lunch with me tomorrow anyway? As friends?’

  
‘I’d like that.’ Sebastian didn’t seem too perturbed by the rejection. Which more than surprised Kurt, who was used to people stamping their feet when they didn’t get what they wanted.

  
‘You’re not going to resent me now, are you?’

  
‘Of course not. I gave you a choice, you made a decision, I’ll accept that.’ He laughed. ‘What should I have done, forced you?’ Unseen to Sebastian, Kurt shrugged awkwardly.

  
‘Why did you even ask? You never seemed to like me like that.’

  
‘I do like you, Kurt. And you’ve become… woah, super hot since high school. I’ve been holding back on the comments because I know you weren’t in a very good place and, you know, I’m trying to be nice and do the right thing, but… Just because I didn’t say anything doesn’t mean it didn’t cross my mind. I would have regretted it forever if I hadn’t asked.’ Kurt folded his arms in front of his chest. It was flattering, really, but at the same time he felt as if he had lost the ground beneath his feet.

  
_He thinks I’m dating material. He’s thinks I’m hot and he’d date me. What?_

  
Still overwhelmed Kurt shook his head in disbelief.

  
‘Know what? I don’t want you to feel pressured. Topic’s off the table until you say otherwise, okay?’ The uncomfortable feeling in his stomach melted away, leaving just fluttery warmth behind. Kurt knew he was blushing, but he found that he didn’t care too much. Sebastian didn’t mention it – although his small smirk was telling enough – instead he just started to go on about a book he was supposed to read for college.

  
And that was the way Sebastian always acted and Kurt found it was exactly what he needed more of in his life.  
In the end, someone who was easy-going and took every day as it came was what balanced out Kurt’s non-stop running mind and overthinking nature.

  
They saw each other two or three times a week, going out for lunch or dinner or watching a movie. Sometimes Sebastian mixed things up with his spontaneous and almost elusive ideas, from small concerts of indie bands over chocolate tasting tours to loud and colorful parties on strangers’ rooftops.

  
Kurt couldn’t deny that it was a lot of fun every time, but something about it still bothered him.

  
‘Do you think I’m boring?’ Kurt asked when he was finally able to put his finger on it. Nonetheless a sense of security washed over him, surprised but glad about his own forwardness.

  
_I trust him. I know I can just say what’s on my mind._

  
‘What? Why would I think you’re boring? I’m not friends with boring people.’

  
‘Because all I ever do is go to school, work and then I watch TV show marathons and eat popcorn and ice cream. And you, you have all these crazy ideas and you try to talk me into coming with you all the time instead of you joining me even once. It’s obviously because you think what I do is boring.’

  
‘It’s _obviously_ because I have the concentration span of a five year old and want to spend time with you anyway. I’d love to do one of your marathons with you, but I don’t know how that could go well. I’d probably go totally crazy and start turning cartwheels around you or something because I can’t sit still for that long.’ Kurt nodded slowly. It wasn’t a perfect answer, but it did put his mind a bit at rest. Sebastian wanted to spend time with him, that was an improvement from most of his friends at least.

  
‘You know, if you don’t like my suggestions you could totally suggest something yourself. I swear I’ll do it if it doesn’t involve sitting still for two hours or more.’

  
‘Even if I want to go shopping? You know that means you might have to enter the women’s section.’

  
‘Totally. I can be a bit forgetful, but I think someone once said to me that fashion has no gender.’ Sebastian grinned mischievously at him, prompting Kurt to roll his eyes affectionately.

  
_That was me. About an hour ago._

  
‘Just imagine it, it’ll be our own adventure.’

  
‘Has someone ever told you that you can be a complete child sometimes?’ Sebastian threw his arm loosely around Kurt’s shoulders, drawing him nearer to his side.

  
‘It’s part of my charm.’ Laughing light and clear, Kurt leaned his head against Sebastian’s.

  
_Yeah, it really is._

~

 


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, that’s it, the last part. Took a bit longer than expected, but some things can’t be helped. I hope you enjoyed this and maybe it made dealing with canon a bit more bearable :)

‘What happened the last time someone told you you were boring?’ It tookKurt a few seconds until he fully understood where Sebastian was coming from with his question. Once again he had taken up the topic of a conversation that had initially happened weeks ago. How Sebastian could live with such an unorganized mind was a complete mystery to Kurt.

‘First I got drunk, then I got a misspelled tattoo. I’ve had it corrected by now, though.’

‘You honestly have a tattoo? Cool. Wouldn’t have expected that.’

‘That’s the point, I felt boring. I wanted to do something that would surprise everyone.’

‘But that’s a really bad reason to get a tattoo, don’t you think? I mean, I’m not one of those people who say it’s stupid to get one that doesn’t have a meaning. You want it on your skin for whatever reason, go for it. But I do think it should be for yourself, not for anyone else. The only person who’s for sure always going to stay in your life is yourself, so it’s the only person that really matters.’

‘That sounds lonely.’

‘But you’re not really alone and you probably never will be. I’m just saying you can’t predict who’ll stay in your life and who won’t. So what’s the point in doing something so permanent for someone else?’

And that was another thing about Sebastian Smythe that Kurt cherished more than he ever wanted to tell anyone. As much as Sebastian mostly didn’t think his words through, they often struck a nerve with Kurt. It reminded him a bit of Dr Barnes, but unlike her Sebastian rarely appeared aware that he had said anything world-shaking, continuing with the next topic as if nothing had happened.

Busy with his production at the nursing home, his dance and vocal training, the job at Vogue.com and somehow squeezing in a lot more time with Sebastian than he could rationally explain, Kurt almost didn’t notice the time flying by.

In fact, it was a complete coincidence that he remembered at all in the end. Since Kurt had noticed that the book he had bought was actually not the book Elliott had been raving about, he was in search of the receipt to return it. But as always in urgent cases, the receipt was nowhere to be found. Kurt was getting desperate.

_This is a joke. It’s all a joke. Kurt Hummel, you’re more organized than this._

Eventually he even went to the box of forgotten things, although he had no idea why he would put a receipt in there, and that’s when the calendar next to the shelf grabbed his attention. He couldn’t really pinpoint what made him realize, but it felt as if the date was glaringly obvious afterwards.

_A year? It’s been a year three weeks ago since I broke up with Blaine and I didn’t even notice…_

An odd mix of nostalgia and relief came over him. He had been engaged to Blaine and now Blaine was barely on his mind anymore. Kurt wondered if more than a year was a long time to get over a broken engagement, but it wasn’t like he could change how much time he needed.

As Dr Barnes always emphasized, his road was his road and the only thing he could do was walk forward, no matter how much longer or shorter other people’s road appeared.

Completely directionless he wandered around the room for a minute, the receipt forgotten. Kurt’s eyebrows shot up in surprise and he stood still in the middle of the room.

_It… it doesn’t hurt anymore._

How long had he been living without that constant aching that had been weighing his shoulders down and had made him doubt every of his decisions? And how was it possible that he hadn’t noticed that it was gone?

Calmness spread inside of Kurt. His memories felt soft and far away now that he wasn’t gripping them tightly anymore. It didn’t matter how long it had been, what counted was the present and that looked a lot less somber all of a sudden.

With renewed enthusiasm he began searching for the receipt again, while his mind was already going through his to-do list for the day again.

_Get the right book, confirm band practice for Saturday with Elliott and Dani, call Sebastian to ask for the address of the Spanish restaurant he talked about last week, catch up on Grey’s Anatomy with some paella and start reading the book before bed._

And for Kurt that seemed perfect.

 

~

 

‘Do you have some free time on Friday? I have an appointment and I want you to come with me,’ Kurt asked, holding the phone between head and shoulders while he was busy cutting vegetables.

‘What sort of appointment? You’re not ill, are you? Because I’m kind of bad with ill people.’

‘Oh god, no, I’m fine. I’m just getting another tattoo.’ He tried to make it sound as nonchalant as possible, but Kurt wasn’t sure he succeeded. Sebastian disapproving or lecturing him wasn’t what he wanted, but he was sure enough to go through with his plan nonetheless.

‘Really?’ Sebastian sounded surprised and unexpectedly neutral.

‘Yeah. I’ve been thinking about it for a while and since I still haven’t changed my mind about it…’ Kurt trailed off.

‘You’re not going to ask for my opinion?’

‘I’ll show you the design and let you have a look if there’s anything weird or inconsiderate in it, but I wasn’t going to ask for your approval.’

‘Okay, then I’d love to come with you. Maybe it’ll inspire me to get one as well.’

Sebastian laughed.

‘What’s so funny about that? You could definitely get one, too.’

‘With my freckles? I don’t think so, they’re esthetically pleasing enough on their own. Of course I can always just get some lines connecting them and pretend it’s some edgy star constellation.’ Kurt chuckled. Out of all the tattoos Sebastian could possibly get, that wasn’t really one Kurt could see on him.

_Deep breath, Kurt. Now’s your chance._

‘Uh, Bastian?’

‘Yeah?’

‘Would you want to have dinner with me afterwards?  _My treat_ ,’ Kurt said in one breath, intentionally repeating Sebastian’s words back at him.

‘As… in a date?’

‘Yes, a date. I mean, I get it if you don’t want to anymore. It’s been months since you asked and it’s not like you should have waited for me.’ Despite his racing heart, Kurt’s voice didn’t break. Even through all the nervousness he managed to feel a tiny bit proud of that. Naturally Sebastian’s answer was important to him, but for the first time Kurt was sure this question wouldn’t make or break his friendship with someone.

_I can move on, but I really don’t want to. Please don’t make me move on._

‘I didn’t. But I’m still free and still very much interested.’

‘So, that’s a yes?’

‘Yeah, Kurt, it’s a yes.’ Kurt breathed out a sigh of relief. Maybe it had been a bit more stressful than he had wanted to admit.

 

~

 

The room was still full of light and nearly empty. The movie wouldn’t start for another thirty minutes, a vast miscalculation that could be put down to Sebastian’s inability to plan.

‘Stop eating popcorn, Bastian, or there’ll be none left when it starts.’

‘Not possible. That’s about a ton of popcorn.’ Demonstratively Sebastian ate another handful.

Kurt shook his head fondly. He threw a glance at the only other person in the room, luckily the man was engrossed in his tablet. He turned around again, shifting around to get more comfortable, and winced suddenly. Immediately Sebastian’s eyes flew to the place of Kurt’s new tattoo. He frowned.

‘Does it hurt?’

‘No. It’s more itchy than painful by now,’ Kurt reassured him and Sebastian relaxed visibly.

‘Aw, poor Kurt.’  
‘You don’t really pity me, do you?’

‘Not in the least. You paid money for pain and itchiness, it’s all on you.’

‘Gee, aren’t you the sweetest boyfriend ever?’

‘Well, I did appreciate the opportunity to see you shirtless on our first date.’

Suddenly Sebastian’s expression grew serious.

‘Why did you do it?’

‘The tattoo?’

‘No, why did you ask me out? After so long, I mean. What changed?’

‘I… I just feel like I’m in a good place now. You’ve been amazing since we met again, that didn’t change. But I finally don’t feel hung up on Blaine anymore – at all – and then next week is my last appointment with Dr Barnes for the time being… I’m really comfortable with where I am in life and I felt like I could go on without a relationship and still be happy.’

‘So, you’re dating me because you needed someone to make your fantastic life more uncomfortable.’ Sebastian raised an eyebrow at him, confused but to Kurt’s relief not angry.

‘My point is I’m dating you because I like you, not because I want a relationship by all means.’

With a gentleness that Kurt would never have attributed to Sebastian during high school, he laid his hand on Kurt’s cheek, slowly stroking his thumb up and down. In a way he even looked vulnerable.

‘Good.’

 

~

 

‘I’m back!’

‘I can see that. Do you have the bagels? You know, usually I don’t take breaks, I just eat while watching.’

‘And I can’t thank you enough for this break, babe. I’ll be ready to go for maybe another three hours after eating,’ Sebastian said, getting the bagels out of the paper bag and putting them on the plates Kurt had already set. The second Sebastian let go Kurt was already pulling his plate closer and bit a pretty big chunk off of his bagel. He closed his eyes and made a sound dangerously close to a moan.

‘These bagels are worth anything. Hello, smoked salmon, radish and mustard? You were so right about that café.’

‘Remember when I met you there after you tried speed dating?’ Sebastian laughed light-heartedly, obviously more fond of the memory than anything else. Kurt rolled his eyes at him.

‘Oh god, don’t remind me. How did you even deal with me back then? I was behaving like some maniac on the run and you even gave me your phone number. What was wrong with you?’ Grinning, Kurt shook his head.

‘I don’t know. I guess I just… sensed that you were simply having a rough time. It’s college, everyone goes crazy during college.’

‘You sensed it?’

‘Yep. Didn’t I tell you? I’m psychic.’

‘Mhm. Then tell me, oh great psychic, what are you seeing?’ Sebastian held his hands up and half closed his eyes.

‘I am seeing… that your new boyfriend is a much better choice than your last one. The ancient ghosts from beyond tell me you should stick with that one.’

‘The ancient ghosts are saying that? Then it must be true, right?’

‘Absolutely. You wanna know what else they say?’ Kurt nodded.

‘They say you should lose the shirt. Possibly the pants, too.’

‘Nice try, pervert.’

‘That’s so cold of you, Kurt. I’ve waited months for you and now you won’t even get out of this unnecessary shirt.’

‘You said you didn’t wait!’

‘Well, I didn’t, not really. But let’s be honest, I’ve never been much of a dating person, I don’t normally ask people for dates. So chances of me trying to get another serious date right after you rejected me weren’t very high anyway, like, I totally used up my quota of the quarter by asking you.’

‘So you’re saying I’m just that special.’

‘Relationships are so much work. So much time and compromises and emotions. I’m saying I consider twice if someone is worth the hassle.’

‘And you think I am worth it?’

‘Do you  _not_ think so?’

‘Of course I’m worth it. I know I can be difficult, but I also think being with me can be great.’ Kurt’s tone was lighthearted and joking, but his words couldn’t be more earnest. And when he looked up, that’s what he saw reflected on Sebastian’s face as well – gratitude, pride and love.

‘You’re right. I think I’m really lucky things turned out this way.’

~


End file.
